WHAT WEDDINGS CAN TEACH US ABOUT WARDROBE WELLNESS

If there’s one word that inspires fear, loathing and credit card debt into the hearts of women, it’s ‘WEDDING”. All it takes is an innocent ‘Save the Date’ invitation to make us lose our reason and do things we live to regret.

Fear not.  We’ve all fallen foul of wedding fever at some point in our lives. Symptoms often include (but are not limited to): cold sweats, mounting anxiety, periodic lashing out over a one-off wonder that is generally bought in a rush, at great expense and under immense stress for an occasion one is obliged to attend. Often triggered by the need to impress and the assumption that one cannot wear the same outfit twice. Pain is acute and intense but relieved by removal of offending garment and burning ritual. If unsure of whether your regret twinges may, in fact, be nuptially-induced, check if any of these signs ring a wedding bell.

STAGES OF WEDDING FEVER

• Roll eyes and exclaim, “Great, another wedding. What am I going to wear?”
• Allow vitriol to subside and gradual panic to set in.
• Avoid checking your closet for options. Where’s the fun in that?
• Instead ruminate endlessly about who’s been invited, how many of the same guests were at the last wedding and whether this function requires an added dose of one-upmanship.
• Buy inordinately expensive hat and obscenely high heels. Stare at combo like new-fangled sex toys while figuring out how they work and potential health risks.
• Wait until last minute to buy dress.
• Spend an entire day running like Anneka Rice from pillar to post on the hunt for matching frock.
• Find ‘treasure’ five minutes before closing time.
• Convince yourself you have every intention of wearing canary yellow taffeta again.
• Attend wedding.
• Simmer in rage for four hours.
• Untag any and all incriminating social media posts.
• Remove outfit and put into back of closet.

It’s ironic that we wear the equivalent of a one-night stand to weddings but our closets are full of them. What is truly flabbergasting is how willing we are to repeat the process – lest the first three times weren’t traumatising enough.

And it all comes down to one home truth: the need for external validation. If we weren’t bothered by what Aunty Mary and our third cousin once removed on our mother’s side thought, we’d make like Kate Middleton and wear the same dress twice.

Now there’s a woman who gets royal flack for essentially being a rebel – flouting public perception and setting her own standards. Nice work missus. So, the next time you find yourself coming down with a case of wedding fever; consider these handy closet health tips.

Instead of asking:

• Do I love it?
• Will I wear it again?
• Do I want to marry it? (kidding but not kidding)

We ask:

• Will everyone else love it?
• Will someone else be wearing the same one?
• Can I pawn this off on Done Deal?

We need to start looking at clothing as potential partners as opposed to ‘alright for the night’.  Granted, it’s nice to have a warm body in the bed but if you’d prefer not to be seen in public with said body, then we have a problem.

So, the next time you find yourself with the shopping sweats, start by asking, ‘Would I wear this again even if I had another option?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, you’ve got a keeper. Otherwise, leave it on the hanger where it belongs.