I PUT MY WOOL SKIRT IN THE FREEZER; THIS IS WHY.

Most folks put foodstuffs and ice-cubes in the freezer, at times a warm bottle of wine when needs must. I, on the other hand, use mine to kill moths – all of the fecking moths.

Allow me to elaborate. These winged creatures are like kryptonite to clothing, especially anything vintage, cashmere, wool or silk. They’ve got fancy pants taste, God bless them. Like unwanted houseguests, these pests are mainly nocturnal, sniffing around for snacks when everyone is asleep and making a shit of the place in the process.

I knew the score and, as a fan of vintage clothing, was not prepared to take any chances. Suitably armed with cedarwood balls, lavender sachets and adequate ventilation, I prided myself on having a moth-free wardrobe. I even dedicated a series of tips in my book The Happy Closet on how to fend off their lascivious advances. No love bites on my clothes, no sir. Not until now that is.

Today I bought my prized 1970s wool checkerboard skirt to the local alterations centre to fix, what I believed were, a few small thread pulls. On closer inspection, the owner showed me at least a dozen nibble marks that I overlooked. The evidence was obvious: there had been an orgy on my skirt while I was fast asleep. #storyofmylife

Most folks put foodstuffs and ice-cubes in the freezer, at times a warm bottle of wine when needs must. I, on the other hand, use mine to kill moths – all of the fecking moths. 

Stored in a clean, well-aired, damp- and dust-free closet, I treat this beauty like the vintage goddess she is (see: was). What else could I do to protect her? Then I remembered a tip about stashing anything made of natural fibres in the freezer for 24 hours. The sub-zero temperatures kill moths in their developing stages, thus staving them off after the garment in question has defrosted. HA! VICTORY!

Revenge it would appear is a dish best served cold.  In the meantime…

To all of you moths out there:

WATCH OUT! YOUR NIGHTS AT THE CLOTHING BUFFET ARE NUMBERED!

Sincerely yours,

The Management